Filled With Emptiness
by starkidtw
Summary: Without you, my heart filled with emptiness. GC
1. Default Chapter

Rating : PG and of course it's angst. ;)

Summary : Without you, my heart filled with emptiness.

Disclaimer : Show, not mine, characters, not me, they all belong to CBS and TPTB. But Mark is mine. ;)

Distribution :The Graveyard Shift, CSI Center, FF and my site.

Feedback :Always welcome.

A/N : No more WIP when I have enough of them, that's what I told myself but I wrote them anyway, so forgive me, ;) Thanks Angie and Erica for the wonderful betaing. Thanks Nikita, Amanda and David for their encouragement and your supports for GC and the MSN talking, you're the best! Thanks Sophie for your push and compliment. Thanks Erica for sharing your MargLove with me and understanding my need of angstness and giving the angsty title, love you! ::kisses:: Thanks the Gutter girls in MargForum, you girls rock! And finally thank you all inthe **graveshiftcsi**group, you're the best. :)

* * *

She looked at the sky, smiling. 

The crystal navy blueness always amazed her, just like Gil's eyes.

Too deep to see, too dark to touch.

There's nothing she can do about it but melting with them, from her body to her soul.

Catherine sighed.

It had been a year, a year of being away from Las Vegas and a year without him. Somehow the pain didn't fade away. She just felt the same way as the day she had left.

She closed her eyes.

It was funny how a person who was usually open to everything was now closed to her own feelings for someone.

It's not fair. Then again, who said life is fair anyway?

But she still wondered.

What would it be if she had stayed? What would it be if she had followed her own heart and opened it to him? What would it be?

Everything would change, him, her, their lives and their friendship. They all would change, everything.

But the truth was she hadn't and that's why she was here, away from him with her heart broken into a million pieces.

And she knew she broke his, too.

On the day she left Las Vegas, Warrick was the only person at the airport to say goodbye.

_flashback_

_"Grissom, Nick and Sara still have to work on the case, so I'm the only one to be here and beg you to stay."_

_"What are you gonna do...Kidnap me?"_

_"No, but I'll try it on Lindsey."_

_"Warrick Brown! You do know if you kidnap my daughter, I will hunt you down and make you suffer so much that you'd wish you were never born, don't you?"_

_"Of course I do. But I'll take my chance, if it's the only way that could make you stay."_

_"Warrick......"_

_The young black man sighed. His face turned more serious now, looking at the woman standing in front of him. Warrick decided to say it._

_"You should tell him, Catherine."_

_Catherine just turned away, trying to avoid Warrick's eyes._

_"I don't know what you are talking about."_

_"Catherine..."_

_"Look honey, if you really want me to stay, you have to try harder, because right now you're not doing well at this job."_

_"You know if Grissom knew your feelings for him, he wouldn't let you go."_

_"But he didn't!"_

_Catherine's frustrated voice shouted out and scared both of them. She tried to calm her emotion down before talking again._

_"We will never know if he would want me to stay, so our conversation is over now. I'm sorry, Warrick, but I'm still leaving."_

_"You know, being a level 3 CSI, Grissom can be so stupid sometimes."_

_"Hey, even it's the truth, he's still your boss, and that's your problem now, not mine."_

_Catherine tried to light up the mood and hit him playfully._

_Warrick stared at her and finally gave her a tight hug._

_"I wish you could stay, Catherine."_

_"So do I, Warrick. So do I."_

_Flash end_

She felt the warmness fell down her face silently.

So many years, they had danced around and around and she thought she could keep dancing, but life was difficult. She needed more, more than only being best friends, more than the long-time friendship they had.

That's why she had to leave, she wanted him, she wanted more, she needed him to give her more, but he couldn't.

She was tired, so tired of waiting and the dancing.

The escape she needed came and she made her choice.

Now here she was, alone and suffering without him.

"Mommy!"

The excited sound brought her back to reality.

"Hi, baby!"

She quickly dried her tears and turned around to her daughter, with a smile on her face.

"Look what Uncle Mark bought me!"

Lindsey ran to her mother and showed the teddy bear in her hand.

"It's cute Lindsey, did you thank Uncle Mark?"

The girl nodded.

"That's my girl."

She gave her daughter a big hug.

"So, have you named the bear yet?"

"Not yet mommy, but I will!"

"I'm sure you will honey," Catherine couldn't stop smiling at her daughter's answer.

"Okay, Lindsey, time to pick up your things. I'm gonna drive you to Elizabeth's house, you don't want to miss her birthday party, do you?"

"Can I bring the teddy with me? I wanna show it to Elizabeth and my friends!"

"Sure, now go and grab your things," Catherine gave her daughter a kiss before Lindsey ran into the house.

Then she turned around to the man who was sitting in front of her. He was watching her and Lindsey while they were talking.

"You know you spoiled her too much Mark," she said to him with a smile.

"Is it a bad thing?" Mark gave her a challenged tone.

"No....but you really shouldn't have bought her this teddy, she already has too many presents from you."

Catherine thought about those things Mark had bought her daughter and shook her head.

"But I want to......because I know when I make this little girl smile....I make her mother smile too. I want her mother to be happy, I want you to be happy Catherine. I want both of you to be happy," Mark said sincerely.

Catherine was stunned by his answer. She didn't know what to say, these words, these sincere words, they were so familiar. They had been spoken by someone else before.

Gil once said these words to her too.

"Catherine?"

"Yes?" She put herself together and looked at Mark.

"Are you all right?" Worry was shown on his face.

"Yep, I'm fine, I think we'd better go inside and see what Lindsey is doing." Catherine tried to put a smile on her face and grasped Mark's hand, ignoring the concern in his tone.

She didn't want to talk about what bothered her, especially not about another man to Mark. He didn't need to know about that.

Mark watched Catherine carefully and sighed in silence.

He knew what was bothering her, and he knew who was on her mind. It's the man who she left Las Vegas for, the one who brought back the sadness in her beautiful blue eyes.

He remembered.

He remembered the first time he saw her, the crystal sadness in her eyes made him slid a heartbeat. It made him want to get to know more about this woman and the sorrow under her beauty.

Day by day, they became friends and they got to know each other. He knew he could make her smile again. God, he loved that smile.

But the sadness, the sadness didn't go away. It was still there, haunting her every day.

Catherine didn't tell him much about the reason why she left Las Vegas. All she had told him was that she just needed to leave and had to find a new place to start her life all over again.

But he knew there was more. There was someone and this man was the one and only reason she left, with the sadness in her eyes.

She always had that look on her face when she thought of this man.

He didn't know how to react. Angry? Jealous? Defeated? Mark shook his head, all he wanted was to take the sadness away and make her happy again.

So he held her hand and smiled at her.

"Anything you want, Catherine."

* * *

He had been staring at the same page of this paper for almost an hour and still couldn't read a word. There was something bothering him and he knew what it was. 

He sighed.

He missed her, he missed his best friend and he missed the only woman he had loved in his life.

He missed Catherine.

It had been a year, a year since she'd left, a year of being without her, a year that seemed like forever.

Grissom put down the papers and closed his tired eyes.

When had things started going wrong? When had things changed between them? When had he finally realized that he loved her, his best friend?

He felt the pain cut trough his heart again.

It's funny how you feel so much, but cannot find a word to say.

He should have said something, something that could make her stay, something that could let her know he needed her to stay.

He needed her because he loved her.

But he didn't. He didn't say anything to her but wished her good luck. He saw the sadness in her eyes caused by his words. He regretted them as soon as they came out.

He knew he broke her heart, and she broke his too.

They were still friends. They would talk to each other once or twice by phone every week. They would talk about Lindsey, work, things happened in the lab and things happened in her new life.

Her new life without him but with another man.

"Grissom?"

He opened his eyes and saw the younger CSI standing in the door.

"Yes Warrick, what can I do for you?"

Grissom tried to calm his tone as casual as possible.

"Well, Sara and I just finished the papers and want to have breakfast, you wanna come with us?"

"No thanks, I still have some unfinished papers, you guys go first."

Warrick nodded understandingly, "I will see you tomorrow, boss."

"I'll see you then, Warrick."

Gil smiled at his friend and looked back to his papers.

"It's okay to miss her, you know?"

He was stunned by that quote and took his head up but Warrick just closed the door and left.

Was it that obvious? He was sure that people hardly could see his emotions showing on his face, he was not that kind of a person, not like Catherine.

He shook his head lightly.

But when things came to her, he couldn't help. He became another person......and he did miss her.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

FF : Filled With Emptiness 2/?

"Mark, the dinner was wonderful, and I had a really great time."

Catherine stood at the door of her house and faced him, smiling.

"Good. I'm glad that you had a great time tonight and I hope we will have another date as soon as possible, Ms. Willows."

"As long as you ask me to dance after our dinner, Mr. Romance"

"Yes, ma'am."

Mark grinned at her, winking.

"So...I'd like to ask you to stay and treat you to some coffee. But I have to get up early to pick Lindsey up to school, so I'll call it a night. Thank you, Mark, I had a really great time."

Catherine kissed Mark's cheek and started to walk to her house.

"Catherine, wait!"

She stopped walking, turned around to Mark, surprised.

"Yes, Mark?"

"I, ah...I have something to tell you...ask you..."

Mark's tone was nervous, but his eyes still looked at Catherine directly.

"Can't it wait till tomorrow? I mean it's really..."

"No, Catherine! Just...I really need to do this right now."

Mark cut her out and took her hands in his. There was a small black box in his other hand, holding tightly.

"Okay, I can do this, I need to do this...Catherine, I love you, and you know I love Lindsey as much as my own. I know I'm not the man you want, but I promise you I'll do everything I can do to make you happy, and to give you the happiness that you deserve. Catherine Willows, will you marry me?"

It started raining outside.

She didn't know how long she had been sitting in the dark, staring at the ring on her finger silently. Finally she stood up and picked up the phone, taking a deep breath, Catherine dialed the number that she already remembered by heart.

"Why the hell are you still sitting here?"

Grissom moved his eyes from his papers, surprising to see his angry young co-worker storm in his office.

"Warrick, what are you..."

"Cut that crap, Grissom! How can you still hide behind the desk and pretend that nothing had happened!"

Warrick was so mad at his boss and couldn't believe that he was still so calm. But all of a sudden, a thought hit this black man.

"She didn't tell you, did she?"

Grissom frowned at the question, confused.

"What are you talking about? And who is she?"

"Damnit! I knew it! She lied to me! She didn't say a word to you!"

Warrick couldn't help but feel the anger and sadness inside.

"Warrick?"

Seeing the confusion in Grissom's eyes, Warrick sighed heavily and finally spoke.

"It's Catherine, she called me and said Mark just proposed to her."

Lindsey should be home soon. Suddenly, Catherine felt so eager to see her little girl. These two days had been emotion-train to her, the only thing could make calm her down was to see Lindsey's face and to hug her in arms.

Sighing, Catherine unconsciously touched her hands, and the cold metal on her finger made her look down, the feelings inside of her started to overwhelm Catherine again.

The ring, Mark's proposal, his words, kept repeating in Catherine's head.

Catherine couldn't help but felt sad and angry with herself, why she felt it when a good and nice man like Mark promise her the happiness she had longed for in her entire life?

Why?

Because Mark's not the one. Because he's not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Because he's not Gil.

Gil, the ghost had been haunted her from Las Vegas to Seattle.

Feeling sadness and anger rising, Catherine could tell the warmness in her eyes.

She didn't tell Gil about Mark's proposal. Being a friend, she should have told him, but she didn't know how, and she was not sure how Gil would react to that.

As much as Catherine knew her best friend, she knew Gil would probably say his congratulations to her, and be happy for her as a friend. Maybe that's why she didn't tell him. She didn't need to hear the truth that Gil Grissom didn't want her, that all he wanted for them was nothing more but friends.

So she called Warrick, she needed to tell someone about the proposal. When Warrick asked her if she had told Gil, she lied. She knew if Warrick found out she hadn't tell Gil about it, he would force her to tell Gil everything, not only the proposal but the feelings that she had felt for her best friend.

That's why she lied to Warrick, she couldn't. She was not ready, she was not that strong.

A knock brought Catherine back from her thoughts.

"It must be Lindsey."

Quickly wiping her tears, Catherine walked to the door and opened it.

"Forgot the keys again, baby? I told you that..."

Catherine froze at where she stood. Hardly daring to breathe, she just stood there and stared at the person standing in front of her.

It's him who broke the silence.

"Hi, Catherine."

"Gil..."

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

A/N : I'd like to thank the one and only Gomey for the wonderful  
beta and suggestions, thank you so much honey, you're an  
angel::hugs::

* * *

He couldn't remember how many times that he thought about this  
moment : what he would do when he met Catherine again, what he would  
say to her when he saw her beautiful face again. But when the scene  
finally did happen, the reality really hit him.

Now, he found himself unable to fine any words to express, even  
though there were so many words that he wanted to say, so many  
things and feelings that he wanted Catherine to know.

Maybe he couldn't find a word because he didn't want to, maybe he  
didn't know how to say because all he wanted right now was to hold  
Catherine, put her in his arms and never let go.

But there's one thing that he knew he needed to know, he needed to  
find out the answer. He needed to know why, why Catherine didn't  
tell him. Was it because Catherine didn't want him to be her friend  
anymore? Is it because she didn't want to have anything with him  
when she had Mark? He needed to know, no matter how much the answer  
may hurt.

So he was here, standing in the front of the door, standing in the  
front of her - the woman he loved with all his heart yet never had  
let her know of the truth.

His Catherine, he loved her.

He knew he loved her, and this time he was ready, ready to face his  
love for her, ready to let her know what he wanted with her. He had  
let her go without a word last time, but this time was different.  
This time, it's his second chance, and he would open his heart to  
her.

Then he said the word that he already said a million times in his  
dreams.

"Hi, Catherine."

---

She didn't know how long she stared at this man standing in her  
doorway and how long they just stood there without any movement. It  
was like a lifetime, a lifetime that she didn't dare to dream about,  
a dream that she could see him again.

Why was he here? Did Warrick tell him of the proposal? Was it the  
reason that he was here? Was he mad at her that she didn't tell him  
of Mark's proposal? Was he here because he wanted to say his  
congratulations in person?

Now that thought caused her broken heart to ache ¡V something she  
didn't need. She had enough pieces of heart for it. All she wanted  
was to slam the door in Grissom's face, hoping that he would go away.

But she couldn't, when his eyes, the deep blue that haunted her in  
every moment of her life stared at her, she just couldn't look away.  
She just wanted to melt in his eyes and wish this moment could still  
forever.

Then his voice woke her from her wish, breaking the spell by saying  
her name.

"Hi, Catherine."

"Gil..."

---

Even though he heard her calling him for so many times, his heart  
still skipped a beat when he heard it.

"It's good to see you, Catherine, may I come in?"

"What are you doing here, Grissom?"

Grissom's heart sank, now that he became "Grissom". Hearing the hurt  
and confusion in Catherine¡¦s voice, his fear rose : she was not  
happy to see him, maybe coming here to tell her his feelings was not  
a good idea.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

He knew. Catherine's pulse quickened. She felt so terrible upon  
hearing the sadness in his question held; making her want to hug and  
comfort her best friend.

"I...I"m sorry Gil, I should have, I just don't know how..."

She didn¡¦t know how to tell him, what's that supposed to mean? Why  
can she tell Warrick but not him? Was he not her friend anymore?

"Am I not your friend anymore, Catherine? You don't need me anymore,  
is that what you want to say?"

Of course you're my friend. Catherine yelled at him on the inside.  
And I want us to be more than friends. She wished she could tell  
him, but how could she let him understand that? That she wanted him  
so much, that she had to let him go?

"It's not what you think, Gil, it's complicate."

"Then what should I think?"

Grissom didn't mean to sound so sarcastic but he was becoming angry  
now. Angry with her because she couldn't tell him, angry with  
himself because he let their friendship become like this, and more  
angry with himself that he let his emotions get the best of him.

"Do you know how shocked I was when Warrick stormed into my office  
and yelled at me? And when he told me that Mark proposed, I was so  
angry with you, I just can't believe that you didn't tell me..."

He stepped up close to Catherine, seeing the painful tears fill her  
beautiful eyes. He gently rubbed her cheek with his hand.

"But then I realized that I was angry with myself most, because it's  
no one but me who let it happen. I pushed you away, Catherine."

Trying to calm down his emotions, Grissom took a deep breath.

"And I'm sorry that I let you go without saying a word to make you  
stay, I'm sorry that I let you go without telling you the real  
feelings that I have for you for so long, that I let you go without  
you knowing that I love you, that I let you go to have your happy  
life without me, and that's the biggest mistake I've ever made in my  
life."

Catherine couldn't believe what she heard, what Grissom had just  
said to her now. These words, these beautiful and sincere words were  
like a dream, a dream that she didn't dare to have, but now it  
happened.

Why couldn't all this happen earlier? Why couldn't Grissom say these  
words before she left Las Vegas? Before Mark? Why?

Mark, the name hit her, she knew what her heart desired, but she  
couldn't do this to Mark, the timing was wrong, so wrong that she  
wanted to cry for her life.

"I know you're happy here, and Lindsey is happy here, too. And I  
know that it's him that makes you happy."

Grissom tried to smile a little but failed.

"But I'm selfish, and I want you to be happy with me. So I'm here to  
tell you these words I should have said long time ago, and I wish  
you would come home with me, come back to Las Vegas, you and  
Lindsey."

Grissom held his breath, waiting for Catherine's answer. He saw  
tears falling from her eyes, and heard those two words that changed  
his life forever.

"I'm sorry."

And he felt his tears fall with her.

TBC


End file.
